Like everybody else, I keep the usual stuff in my dresser. I have a drawer allocated for socks, a drawer for pajamas and even one for my “workout” clothes, an oxymoron since any kind of physical activity is the last thing I do in them.
There’s also a drawer for my stash of undergarments. But not like bras and other lady stuff; I’m talking about shapewear.
If it slenderizes, smooths, secures, flattens, firms, tones, reduces, hides, pads, pushes up, pushes in, pushes out, condenses, conceals, controls or covers up anything flabby, saggy or loose, I own it.
I didn’t always have such an extensive collection. In fact, before having kids and eating at the Olive Garden, I used to leave the house routinely without wearing some form of restrictive Lycra under my clothes. But that was a long time ago.
Since then, I’ve accumulated an impressive assortment of what lingerie companies like to call “slimming intimates”; items created to ensure that I look like every possible version of myself, except for the real one.
I’m hoping that the people who invented Space Saver Vacuum Seal Bags will come out with a similar product line for women. It’s my dream to slip on a plastic bodysuit, attach it to my vacuum and suck all the extra air out, instantly transforming me into a size 2 and conveniently allowing me to fit under the bed for extra storage.
I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of shapewear is named after scenarios that are never going to play out as long as you have it on.
Like, I’m fairly certain that the odds of any kind of bliss occurring while wearing the Blissful Benefits (No Muffin Top) Hipster are about as good as getting shot by a love arrow while outfitted in the Cupid Torsette with Extra Firm Control.
And, let’s face it, romping is the one thing guaranteed to never happen while wearing the Flexees Dreamwear Wear-Your-Own-Bra Romper.
Meanwhile, I can’t help but wonder why women seem to be the only ones investing large sums of money into body altering underwear. After all, we aren’t the only gender in need of some assistance.
Why aren’t men’s boxers made with a control top that helps to keep their tummy firm while hiding any unsightly bulges? Where are the push-up cotton briefs with underwire and extra padding to help them look one cup-size bigger? And I have yet to see a pair of swim trunks designed with extra panels to help flatter most any masculine figure.
But I guess you never know. Spanx, a brand of shapewear for women, recently unveiled a line of body shaping products for men. They don’t seem to be very popular, however. I think it’s because, unlike the women’s, most of the men’s styles have really boring names like the Cotton Control V-Neck or Comfort Trunk.
Maybe men would wear more shapewear if it sounded manlier, like pickup trucks, which all seem to be named for the implied ferocity of their owner’s, uh, horsepower, like Ram, Titan, Super Duty and Big Horn.
If I were a guy with a problem waistline area, I’d want to put on shapewear that controlled it with the strength of heavy machinery and brute force of the NFL. I’d be all in for The Front Loader with Extra Lombardi Support or the Excavator with Gridiron Panels.
If my behind was saggy I’d go for something that could get the job done like The Backhoe, Dump Truck or Heisman Forklift.
To hide unsightly panty lines beneath my Dockers I’d opt for the Hydraulic Spandex Log Splitter.
And for a little extra support with my man parts, I’d probably buy the Winner’s Cup or the Toolbox.
It’ll never happen though. Unlike most women, men don’t seem as motivated to shrink-wrap every inch of their body in the same material used to make surgical gloves, just to go out to dinner.
Now that think about it, I should probably clean out my dresser. I could use the extra space for more important things, like clothes I actually want to wear.